Drowning within myself
by ros chan
Summary: Summary: Kaoru feels like her life is breaking into pieces and loses control of herself. How would she get back to her old self again? Or wouldn’t she?


Summary: Kaoru feels like her life is breaking into pieces and loses control of herself. How would she get back to her old self again? Or wouldn't she?  
  
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me in any way.  
  
Author's notes: Dearest readers, thank you for stopping by to read my VERY FIRST FANFIC! I am a greenhorn at this and hope to gain some valuable thoughts and experiences through writing so please bear with me and please be gentle with me. I admit to being sensitive to harsh criticism.  
  
Warning: This story contains angsty themes like depression and suicide so please read with a discerning mindset.  
  
**************************************************************************** **************** Chapter 1  
  
"Thock!"  
  
"Itai!"  
  
"Hahaha! Busu, stop dreaming and focus! Honestly, I should be the master of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu and you my student. You are so ugly that it has scared away all our potential students. Mwahahaha!"  
  
Yahiko threw his head back in laugher, his shinai resting on one shoulder instead of practicing the 500 swings that Kaoru had instructed him to do. Frankly, he felt a little tired after washing the floors of the dojo earlier and doing the swings in silence. It was too quiet going through 500 swings and Kaoru not saying a word. Come to think about it, she seemed quieter nowadays. So, he decided to hit her on the head when she was completely unaware and engrossed in her own thoughts. He loved teasing her and her scolding him. It made him feel wanted and happy in a strange way. He closed his eyes, anticipating the bump that would soon pop out of his head.  
  
Kaoru rubbed her head vigorously as Yahiko's words slowly sunk in. That boy. he was so ..so .. IRRITATING! How could he say such a thing! Here she was doing her best and no one seemed to appreciate it. No one even said a thing. How many times must she endure this boy's taunts? No! She could not take it any longer. Tears sprang to her eyes and she slammed her hand against her mouth and tried to swallow the huge lump in her throat. But it was getting larger. She had to get out of there. She let her shinai slip from her hands as she rushed out of the dojo, stumbling in the direction of the bath house, trying not to let the tears fall.  
  
Yahiko stopped laughing when he heard the rush of footsteps away from him. He quickly opened his eyes and saw the ends of the turquoise ribbon on Kaoru's high ponytail, trailing out of the dojo's entrance. "Eh, what's wrong?" He wondered. Why didn't she hit him or punch him or pull him or strangle him like she always did? Puzzled, he ran after the sound of the receding footsteps.  
  
Kenshin had been happily doing the laundry, thinking it was a fine day for the clothes to dry quickly when he heard the patter of footsteps and a sweet smell of jasmine waft over him. "Kaoru.dono." he thought. But something seemed to be wrong. There was a change in her ki. Before he could say anything to her, she had rushed past him and into the bath house, the door shutting with a loud bang. He washed the soap from his hands and abruptly stood up. He turned around to see Yahiko running towards him.  
  
"Yahiko, what happened?" he asked, looking down at the panting boy.  
  
"I have no idea. She seemed quiet so I decided to wake her up a little bit by taunting her a little and instead of beating me up, she ran away suddenly." Yahiko said hurriedly, all in one breath.  
  
Yahiko saw a flash of anger pass through Kenshin's violet eyes. Or he thought he did. He took a step back and blinked his eyes. But, Kenshin had already turned away to walk towards the bath house.  
  
Kaoru collapsed on a heap in the middle of the bath house, her back against the huge tub that she took her baths in. Her right arm reached out for the think, fluffy towel folded near her and buried her face into it. Huge sobs erupted from her as she tried to pour out all the emotions in her heart through her tears. Damn it! She was not perfect, no matter how hard she tried. Everyone around her seemed to live to torment her, like Yahiko or pity her, because she was all alone living with strangers. Oh she knew that the boy's words were only teases but she could not help but feel them stabbing into her heart each time she heard them as she felt that they were true. She was ugly; no one had ever said she looked nice except her father. Megumi san was such a beauty that even a rose pales by comparison. Plus, she could cook. And intelligent to be a sensei helping others constructively instead of swinging a shinai and achieving nothing like her. No wonder, the red headed samurai who she felt deeply for never gave her a second glance. Her dear father had always called her pretty and she had loved him. But he had died that fateful day and was forever gone. Why was she so unlucky? And she had not fulfilled his last wishes. Her dear father's name was being forgotten only because she was incompetent to spread the teachings of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. And she was so darn useless that Kenshin always had to save her from some bad guy or another. It was irritating when Kenshin called upon Sano or even Yahiko to look after her. She was supposed to be a master of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, for goodness's sake! She hated depending on others. She had thought she was independent and well able to cope with her life but apparently not. How could she when she was so useless. "I hate myself, yes I do. I wish I was dead. No one would miss me anyway. At least, my parents would welcome me then." she thought bitterly. Thoughts of a life after death seemed so welcoming right then. She felt that it would remove the heavy burden in her heart. No one will miss her, no they won't.  
  
"Bang bang!"  
  
The loud pounding on the door startled Kaoru out of her mental tirade.  
  
"Kaoru dono! Daijoubou gozaru?"  
  
Oh it's him. She wiped her tears and blew her nose as silently as she could into the towel so that she could speak in a clear voice.  
  
"Hai." She trailed off, swallowing a hiccup.  
  
Kaoru took in big gulps of air to slow down her breathing. They would probably wait for her to come out and bombard her with questions like "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?". She was not going to tell them. What's the use? Like they really care. Huh!  
  
She splashed some icy cold water onto her flushed face. She caught sight of her reflection in a mirror and gasped. Now there was no question about it. She was hideous! She let out a huge sigh and hiccupped suddenly. "Stupid hiccups!" she thought. She wiped her face hurriedly and discarded the towel. She reached for the turquoise ribbon in her hair and gave it a tug. It came away in her hand in a long strip as her long, shiny ebony locks cascaded down her shoulders and back. She bowed her head slightly forward so that the hair would fall on to her sides of her face, hiding her features. Now she was ready to face them.  
  
Kenshin and Yahiko had their ears plastered to the door, trying to figure out what was going on. But all they could hear were water being splashed about and footsteps a short while later. They quickly straightened themselves, waiting to greet Kaoru.  
  
"What's wr..?"  
  
"Are y.."  
  
Both questions paused halfway as the door opened to reveal the hunched figure of Kaoru. Kenshin felt a sudden jolt. Kaoru dono's hair was all over her like a black cloak. But her face was hidden from him. She was staring at the ground. But he knew that she had been crying. He wished he could hold her and ask her what was wrong. But he couldn't. He would not do it. She was not meant to be his.  
  
"Kaoru do."  
  
Before he could say a word, she had pushed past him and was walking away. He felt a sudden sharp pain at her unexpected coldness.  
  
Yahiko's eyes had widened at the sight of Kaoru. She seemed somewhat different. and she actually pushed past Kenshin and walking away without a backward glance at the both of them. Now that was major weird. He could not take it any longer.  
  
"Oi! Bu.."  
  
He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Kenshin.  
  
"Yahiko, we should leave her alone, that we should. Maybe she is tired." said Kenshin, with a worried expression on his face.  
  
"But, what about my lessons?" Yahiko frowned up at him.  
  
"Go and practice 500 swings now and after that, sweep the porch and peel vegetables for lunch." Kenshin stated briskly.  
  
"WHAT!" screeched Yahiko.  
  
"1000 swings then." Another brisk order was given.  
  
"Alright, alright I am going." said Yahiko quickly and quickly ran off, muttering complaints under his breath.  
  
Kenshin smiled after the sight of the young boy disappearing from his view but soon his expression hardened as he looked at the direction Kaoru dono had gone. He had to go after her. He walked towards Kaoru's room, the forgotten soggy laundry lying in the tub.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****************  
  
So minna san, what do you think? Should I continue writing more? It may sound a little complicated at this point but I hope to clear things up as we go along. These are Kaoru's thoughts and even though the way she is thinking sounds weird, I was trying to portray her as losing her confidence in herself and all that she has believed in. It does not always take a major shocking event to bring down your spirits. Sometimes, an accumulation of all that has happened to you, can really cloud your mind one day and make you lose control of yourself mentally, losing confidence basically. Sounds incredulous? Well actually, it's not because I went through such an experience and it was terrible. And I know of others too who were affected. Really hope that this was okay. Please review for me. Thank you! 


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